So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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