I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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