mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
