Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
