i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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