i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
