drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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