i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
