True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
