he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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