I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
