There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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