I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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