I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
