So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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