What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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