I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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