The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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