i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
