you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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