I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.