my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.