my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
