Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
