just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
