There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i would one night stand the shit outta him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
