In the future we'll all be gay
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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