never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
