Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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