I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
