Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
zippers are such a cool invention
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
