we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
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