tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
