Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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