I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
