I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
