I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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