just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
