He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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