I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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