Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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