Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
