Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
