i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
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I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
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The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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