Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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