literally had 100 drinks last night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
