I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
