i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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