my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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