At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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