You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
