Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
