Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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