this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
