Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
