I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
