Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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