..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
