I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
