Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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