i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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